Missed Phone Messages

Apparently, this is all my fault.

Remember last week, when I rolled that kayak (um, three times)? Well, I had my cell phone in my shirt pocket, and it shorted out from immersion in Lake Washington. And once I dried it out (household tip – Hair dryer on low and patience), I didn’t check for messages.

Turns out I had three of them. Here’s the first – Wednesday, 9 AM:

Hey, Jeff, this is, um, John McCain. Running for president, you know? And the boys and I were talking and they really like some of the things you’ve written – Manual of the Planes and all that. Visionary stuff. And I was thinking, well, we were thinking, that this was the fresh outlook that we’re looking for in the Republican Party. So, if you’re interested, you might want to join the ticket and become my vice president.

So get back to me when you have a chance. Ciao!

Second Message – Wednesday, 11 AM

Jeff, John again. I haven’t heard from you. Look, is it the D&D thing? I know we’ve been talking smack about that pro-Obama D&D crowd, but if you want, I can fire the guy saying that. Bang, he's gone. No, really, he creeps me out. And the base will understand. They’ll take whatever we give them. I can dig up Saddam’s body and make it my running mate and FOX will declare that it’s a game-changing, mavericky decision.

OK, that came out wrong. I don’t mean to compare you to a dead dictator. The point is, we can do whatever we want. Our party has screwed up the Federal Government for eight years and now we're running as reformers, and no one even blinks. I think we have good synergy, you and me. I really want you consider this and get back to me, soonest.

Really like your stuff. Hope to hear from you. B’bye.

Third Message – Wednesday, 1 PM.

Fine. You don’t want the (deleted) job. At least you’d have the (deleted) to tell me to my (deleted) face. I don’t need you. I don’t need ANY of you (unintelligible) . No, I haven’t been drinking. I’m just hurt. I THOUGHT you’d care about your country, but I can see you’re just like the others.

Hate you. Hate your (deleted) books. I’m going to go find somebody who will answer my calls. Is that an Alaska phone book? Throw it over here. (mutters) I'll show you all.

Oh, and don’t bother to call back. Bozo.

What can I say? I could have spared the nation all this.

More later,