Monday, November 01, 2004

The Republican Message

Jeff's Note: So I've been bagging on the GOP of late, so in the interest of fair and balanced reporting, I now provide time for the Republicans. Ladies and Gents - the Republican Message:

Don’t Vote.

Voting is messy and needless. It’s a drain on your time. You could be doing something more important, anything more important, than schlepping to the polls. You don’t even know where they are, do you? It’s been four years, maybe longer, since you’ve voted last.

Voting is unnecessary. They’re all crooks, anyway. It really doesn’t matter who is in charge. The office doesn’t have any real power. They’re all owned by bigger fish than you. Who really cares what you think?

Voting is embarrassing. You might vote for the loser, and spend the next four years having to live with the shame of voting wrong. Worse yet, you might vote for the winner, and have to spend the next four years apologizing, as he proves to be such a disappointment. No, let’s just save the embarrassment.

Voting requires too much effort. If you’re going to do it, you have to do it right. And who has time to do it right? You’ve been pelted with messages from all sides. Most of them are untrue. We know ours were. So why not take a rest? It will be all over soon. It’s all for the best.

Voting is an American Right, but we’ll forgive you if you don’t use it. We won’t make you feel bad if you leave it for wiser heads to choose your future. We’d actually prefer it that way. You can’t be a Silent Majority if you keep insisting on speaking up. We’ll tell you when you can talk. When we want your opinion, we’ll send out a press release.

Voting is an impediment to a smooth ruling government. Changing leaders is difficult. There’s a lot of paperwork. We know what’s best for you. Honest.

Trust us.
Jeff again - Now go vote.