Saturday, October 21, 2006



Hello! This is the National Republican Congressional Committee. We're calling you today to tell you that we're pouring $1.3 Million into the race for the Washington State Eighth Congressional District.

And we're not using that money to tell you what a swell guy Dave Reichert is. That would be too much work. Instead, we're using all that money to tell you that Democratic Challenger Darcy Burner is a bad, bad person.

She wants to raise your taxes! She wants to let illegal immigrants sleep in your beds! She wants to give away your job to farm animals!

How do we know all this? We're making it up! We grab some random quote off the radio that we never show and then run down the hall, screaming at the top of our lungs! Its easy to do, particularly when you're trying to run a smear campaign from the other side of the country!

How can we get away with it? We assume that you're all morons. That you won't bother to check out the facts behind our attacks, and just be scared enough to vote for our guy. Hey, it's worked for years. Why not now?

Back to Burner. She's a negative campaigner! She's a horrible nasty negative campaigner! She's a negative campaigner because she keeps showing pictures of Reichert hanging out with the President. Our horrible-unpopular GOP President! If that's not negative, we don't know what is!

Why are we doing this? Well, we're kind of desperate. We're hip-deep in this scandal where we've been keeping skeevy GOP Congressmen in office because, even if they may have a host of nasty little perversions, they're still Republican. And as you know, it's OK when a Republican does it. No, really! So if we sound a little strident and whiny, that's why.

We figured a year ago that we had this seat in the bag. The Incumbent does what we tell him to do, and doesn't ask a lot of questions. Now, all of sudden, this nobody shows up and starts running a real campaign. Next thing you know, the Conventional Wisdom on the race has gone from Leans Republican to Toss-Up, and our opponents have all this archival footage of the horribly-unpopular Prez hanging out with our boy.

And it's not just here! We're tossing money into Idaho! Ida-freaking-ho! And Montana! How can we screw something like Montana up? Man, someone is going to get promoted to a position where they can't do as much damage over that one!

And we're giving up on races that we don't think are going to work, like the Senate campaign of Mike McGavick. Which is why he is suddenly trying to turn himself into an anti-war candidate. You see, when you don't give them cash, they go off the reservation!

So you're going to get a lot of mailers that look like they came out of a high school art project and radio ads with scary music and TV ads where we show Darcy Burner's face in black and white (Black and White! Bad!). And robocalls like this one, where you can't talk back. Lots and lots of robocalls. How can we do this?

Did we mention we're pouring 1.3 Million Bucks into this race?