Business Porn

[Here's another one that has been laying about, waiting for its opportunity]

So before leaving for Germany, I wanted to get my hair cut. This was while I was still at Pokemon USA, so I took a late lunch and headed for one of the small barbershops in the first floor of nearby office building.

What I found was a single chair with a barber groomed the ever-thinning hair of an executive. The chair was turned to a big screen video, which was tuned to a business news channel.

And what the TV presented was hilarious in a stomach-churning way.

The subject was the latest proposed tax reforms, which pretty much were hard on the middle class and easy on the upper stratas. I’ve mentioned the relentless boosterism of business media before, but this one was being spun to escape velocity. It reached a level of go-go promotionalism that exceeded anything I have seen on the Sports programs. I really thought the Talking Head commentator would orgasm on the air in his delight about the latest hand-out to people who would be too rich to have to get their hair cut in an office building barber shop.

Here’s what it sounded like:

TALKING HEAD: We’re talking about this incredible new tax reform. It’s amazing, and fantastic and it will promote growth beyond your wildest dreams! Wow! I have here Senator Latchkey, who is fronting the plan for the administration.

SENATOR LATCHKEY: Glad to be here, Talking Head.

TH: Now, you’re going to tell us why this is such a fantastic plan!

SL: Well, it promotes growth.

TH: Oooh! Oooh! Say that again. Slower this time.

SL: Promotes . . . growth.

TH: Ooh, baby, that’s the stuff! And how does it do this?

SL: Because it is simpler. Everything simpler promotes growth. The new tax form can fit on a single 3 by 5 card.

TH: So it’s easy for the peons to use! Who can argue with that? Not me! I feel all sweaty just thinking about it!

SL: You see you, on line one you list all your wages.

TH: God, this is incredible!

SL: And on line two you send all of it to the government.

TH: Oh, Baby! Yeah! Give it to me! Harder! Faster!

SL: And since wealthy people don’t have wages . . .

TH: It promotes growth. Yes! Lovely, throbbing, tumescent growth! Thanks for the impartial view, Senator Latchkey!

SL: Glad to be here. Can I cash the check now?

TH: When we come back – Organ Harvesting! How to get the most of YOUR office staff! Wow! I need a cigarette!

What can I say? I faked a cel phone call, ducked out, and went back to work. And on the way back home I stopped at the local hair boutique, where three stylists were arguing in Tagalog about a missing ten-spot from the till.

It was much, much, more lucid.

More later,