How to Handle the Scandal

[A Political Monologue]

THAT?
We would never to THAT.
Never, ever.
Trust us on that.
THAT would be wrong.
THAT would be illegal.
THAT would be un-American.
We’re offended that you would even think we would do THAT.
What’s that?
There are reports?
About THAT?
Well, sure there are reports.
Rumors, Innuendo, Gossip.
People who just hate America.
But there is nothing to it.
Because we would never do THAT.
No one would believe it if we did, anyway.
What’s that?
There are photos?
Of THAT?
Who would be so low as to take photos of THAT?
Only someone who hates America.
That’s who!
We Demand to know who took those photos!
Of THAT
Which we didn’t do.
Who would dare accuse us of THAT?
What?
A four-star general?
Well, sure.
We heard some of his medals were fake.
We didn’t say they were fake.
We said we heard they were fake.
No, we don’t want to talk about our own military record.
But we still maintain we never did THAT.
Which, we’ve decided, is legal after all.
Just now.
In special circumstances.
No, you can’t know what the circumstances are.
They’re secret special circumstance.
Look! A Terrorist!
Osama’s Right Hand Man!
OK, so it was his dentist.
OK, so it was a complete stranger in a fez.
Where were we?
Are you still going on about THAT?
Yes it happened.
But Clinton did THAT too.
Did we say Clinton? We meant Carter.
Well, he would of done it if he wasn’t such a big wuss.
Fine. Let’s talk about THAT.
We did THAT.
Everyone knows we did THAT.
Why are you acting like we kept it some big secret?
So that’s THAT.
But THIS OTHER THING?
We would never do THIS OTHER THING
Never, ever.
Trust us on THAT.

More later,