January 7, 2004
To: Fox News Employees
Fr: The Mgt.
As we make our roll-up to the triumphant inauguration of our President, we must alert all our employees to a potential danger on the horizon. This would be the "Not One Damned Dime" movement that has been getting some attention on the cable networks, including ours. The movement means to show indignation at the results of the November vote by asking people not making purchases on Thursday. Our purpose in promoting this movement has been to better discredit it on Friday morning when it becomes obvious that a one-day boycott has had little effect (See coverage of "Buy Nothing Day" on the Friday after Thanksgiving - weak first weekend Christmas sales are always blamed on the economy, not on a few rabble-rousers). However, in the unlikely event that this movement has any effect on our sales patterns, we have decided that it is best to take a pro-active stance. The following memes should be inserted into newscasts over the next few weeks:
1) Thursday sales are always crappy. Remind people that sales will be bad because - well, its Thursday. Who has the energy to shop on a Thursday? You've been struggling all week to put food on your family. At least Wednesday has the last vestiges of steam to it, that last effort to put the time behind you. No, America is battered and exhausted by Thursday. Thursday sucks.
2) Sales will be low because everyone is watching the inauguration. If this succeeds, then we can smoothly claim it is because no one could tear themselves away from our programming to engage in daily business.
3) Treat Yourself Day. Been thinking of a buying that big-ticket item - House, car, luxury yacht? Now's your chance to have your purchase make a difference. You can show your support by engaging in flamboyant consumerism on Thursday. We have a lead on a plant making magnetic yellow ribbons in Honduras, and should have some examples at the beginning of next week.
By spreading these memes, we are can be proved right no matter what happens. Remember, if we have to change our buying patterns, then the Democrats have truly won.
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