Tuesday, October 07, 2003

I Take a Stand

In light of the Ninth Circuit Court’s decision to eliminate the blanket primary in Washington State and thereby punish independent thought (see entries earlier in this blog), I have decided to declare a political party.

I have decided to become a Republican. You should, too.

It is a decision that I come to after much deep thought and consideration, asking that basic question “What’s in it for me?” The fact that I consider this a basic question is already an indication I should be a Republican. Here are some others:

Siding with the Big Guys – So much is going wrong with the country, and I think its better to stand with the people doing the damage as opposed to those on the receiving side. It is better to be at the grip end of the bat as opposed to the business end, if you take my meaning.

Low Entrance Fee – Let’s face it, the bar is not particularly high to be a Republican anymore. It used to be you had to have some deeply held beliefs about fiscal conservatism, personal responsibility, and sound money policy. Now you just have to have deeply held beliefs in whatever the party believes in this week, and you get in. It’s a faith-based initiative.

Diversity – There are not a lot of Intellectuals in the Republican ranks. There ARE smart, thoughtful Republicans, but they’re smart enough to shut up and let the rest of the party lead. You go to a Democrat function and you’re in competition with other smart people. Go Republican and the chances that you are the smartest person in the room increases dramatically. I think this is what appealed to Dennis Miller. Downside is – no one gets your jokes anymore.

Blood of the Lamb – One becomes a Republican and all is forgiven. It’s sort of political baptism. All of the sins of the past are washed clean and never spoken of again by proper people. The idea of tracking a person’s actions twenty, thirty minutes after the fact and holding them responsible is so 20th Century. Unless they’re Democrats, and then everything they’ve ever done (in this life and previous lives) is fair game For example, recently Kelsey Grammar indicated his interest in politics. Had he chosen Democrat, the media would have noted his past drug history, but as a Republican, they all nodded sagely and welcomed him to the fold. General Clark, on the other hand, chose poorly, and much research has been done to prove he is really a Republican, and we don’t want him anyway.

Blood of the Lamb II – More importantly, the age limit of “Youthful Indiscretions” has been raised to 60. I have another 15 years to screw up!

Kid Glove Treatment – If I do screw up, the Established Media will be loath to report it. You only play “Gotcha” with Democrats. If I screw up and get caught, the story will be buried. And If I screw up and get caught and somehow the story gets out (stupid internet!), the Established Media will then fall upon itself, sitting around wondering what it did wrong, and STILL not follow up on it.

Job Opportunities – OK, let’s assume I screw up, get caught, the media pays attention, and I get convicted of, oh, conspiracy, lying to Congress, and destroying evidence. I can STILL get hired by a Republican Administration! And put in charge of investigating OTHER PEOPLE! John Poindexter is SUCH a role model for the struggling ex-con! Who says Republicans are unforgiving?

Mission from God – Democrats hear voices in their heads and they seek medication. Republicans hear voices in their heads and consider it revelation to invade other countries.

Company in My Sins – Face it, the cool kids are all over in the Republican party. These days you talk about a Republican who is a “substance-abusing, draft-dodging womanizer” and people have to ask for another clue to know as to who you’re talking about. You can’t help but look better by comparison.

Trump Card In Arguments – I think this was an Amendment to the Constitution or something. You get the last word in all arguments. You get your choice of “Why do you hate America?”, “Don’t you know there’s a war on?” and my favorite, “Shut up! Just shut up!”

But most of all -

I Don’t Have To Be Nice Anymore – Not that I was particularly nice before, mind you, but now I don’t have to feel guilty about it. Those that disagree with me are traitors. Don’t you know there’s a war on? Why do you hate America? Woo-Hoo!

I’m sure that after reviewing all of the above, you’ll agree with me that becoming a Republican is only right-thinking choice in this universe. Come on over to the Dark Side – the water’s fine!

(This is SO why I don’t have a comments section. More later)