Saturday, February 28, 2004

I Defend a Threatened Institution

It should be noted that the current administration did appeal to the nerd vote ("Hey, we're going to Mars!") before returning to pander to its rightwing religious base. So you nerds have no one to blame but yourselves. And its no surprise that the President (who officially has nothing with the amendment process) has come out for a Federal Marriage Amendment, which pretty much says:

Man/Woman Good.

Well actually, the current Amendment up is so vague in its language that an activist judge could use it go after civil unions as well, including those between men and women. But that's OK, that gets out all the agnostics, atheistists, and non-denominationalists weighing down our government with ceremonies best given to the churches. And besides, we pride ourselves as a religious nation. So its really:

Man/Woman Religious Good.

Now, while we're at it, let's take a good hard look at what we mean by "religious". There are a lot of fly-by-night operations out there. Mail Order Ministries. Vegas Weddings with Elvis Imitators. Pagans who self-initiated after watching Charmed or Buffy. So let's take this opportunity to take them off the table as well. Put a floor on how big your congregation should be before you go off and marry folk.

Man/Woman Major Religion Good.

And on that subject, you'd think maybe we should put a timer on this as well? Just cut the line at 1776. I mean, if your faith is younger than the country, you really should be subject to the laws of the country than the laws of your so-called, jesus-come-lately faiths. So lets take out the Moonies, Mormons and Scientologists.

Man/Woman Old Time Major Religion Good.

And really, what we're talking about is christian faiths here. I mean, I'm sure that there is great respect for the other major world religions, but we've been driving for christian faith in this country for some time. I mean, we're tolerant of Ramadan and Hanukah, what else do you want? Is it too much to ask people to get into a christian church once and while?

Man/Woman Old Time Major Christian Religion Good.

But not Catholics. I mean, you guys know that when we say "christian" we're not talking about you, right? Look at the guys pushing this - there aren't a lot of priests in the mix. And Orthodox as well (everyone always forgets about the Orthodox, but not me - you're out as well). Protestants. We're talking Protestants. This is part the American Experience as well - check out the Know Nothing Party and the Klan, which both had a very anti-immigrant and anti-Catholic vector (See? THEY forgot about the Orthodox. everyone ALWAYS forgets about the Orthodox).

Man/Woman Old Time Protestant Religion Good.

And to be quite honest, a lot of these Protestants are a little bit dicey. I mean, Unitarians? There are a lot of these Protestant churchs that don't have a lot of Protest in them. They're more social organizations - you get into heaven if you bring a covered dish to pass. Vibrant, activist churches should really count. So let's make it easy and get rid of the dross, and settle on one true denomination - Say, Presbyterianism.

Man/Woman Presbyterianism Good.

And, just between you and me, a lot of the synods are a bit spotty as well. I think the best idea is to start small, then offer enfranchisement going outward. Therefore, we'll start with the Beverly Heights United Presbyterian Church. That's the only one that counts. OK, my sister's church up in Cranberry - they're pretty cool. And Bower Hill Presbyterian, but only because Rev. Barker used to play the Scottish Pipes at weddings. So it all comes down to:

Man/Woman Presbyterians That I Approve Of Good.

Yeah, I think about does it. I'm sure that a significant chunk of the country will join me in supporting the amendment that excludes a significant chunk (OK, an overwhelming chunk) of the population. But its all for the best, because, you know, marriage must be saved.

The above is an example of the "slippery slope" argument, that if X happens, then Y, Z, and Q must immediately follow. Sort of the stuff that the right-wing pundits are spewing in the popular press, about how that if Rosie can marry her girlfriend, then obviously the next step is people marrying their sisters, kitchen appliances, and (and this is Rick Santorum's major concern) house pets. Yeah, that's goofy too, but they get major media coverage.

More later