December 25, 2004
To: Fox News Employees
I would like to congratulate everyone on the success of our Happy Holiday Holy War. With the efficiency that this news organization has made legendary, we have turned the holiday greeting "Merry Christmas" into a litmus test for faith and patriotism, casting anyone who extolls a "Happy Holidays" or "Seasons Greetings" to the outer darkness (as well as excluding anyone who happens to worship differently from our core demographic). We are delighted by the response that makes the dominant faith in this nation worried, because worried people watch the news.
Many of you think that our job is done, at least until Easter when we begin an assault on bunnies, chickies, and hard-boiled eggs. But rather rest on our laurels, we should steal a march while our heathen opponents are still rocked back on their heels. I am, of course, talking about the next great secular oppression found in the Calendar, New Years Day (NYD). Or as it should be traditionally known, The Feast of the Circumcision and Naming of Christ. In this Bible, this happened 8 days after the virgin birth (Luke 2:21), and feast day was traditionally set as January 1st. Obviously, our heathen/secular/godless opponents have highjacked this holy day, reducing it to late nights, hard drinking, and nursing hangovers. By restoring the Feast to its rightful place (We can concede to modern times by calling it simply Circumcision Day) we are doing a favor to the faithful everywhere, or at least the faithful who watch the network.
You know the drill - we'll need some fire-tempered religious authorities from Bible Colleges to square off with soft moderates. We'll need public polls taken in conservative chat rooms showing that most people are offended by the comercialization of Circumcision Day. We'll need bits on the safety of circumcision for the medical sections, and the celebration of traditional Circumcision Day events (more to follow as we figure out what these are). Have our sports reporters wonder aloud why there is no "Circumcision Bowl". It is too late for a history-based program, but we are putting together one about Hitler's desire to capture the Christ-child's foreskin, since we have a lot of WWII footage. And we will need our newsreaders to remain steely-eyed and challenge anyone who uses the secular phrasing.
By this time next week, I want everyone thinking about the Unit of the Baby Jesus. If we mobilize now, we can once again brand people using the wrong words - Happy New Years - as outsiders and as dangerous, while making our core audience worried about what their enemies are up to. And remember, worried people watch the news.
In the mean time, Merry Christmas to you, to your families, and to the horse you rode in on.
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